I’ve just finished assembling Karsten, my new desk chair from Ikea. Karsten is black and has no arms but makes for some fine sitting. And he lifts and lowers and tilts back and forth. Who wouldn’t like that? No one.
I gotta tell you though, it wasn’t the most fun experience getting Karsten home. I tried to maintain a good attitude as I navigated the winding pathway through the throngs of laminate lovers and fans of the Swedes. I did this by breathing steadily, thinking happy thoughts about Jessica Biel and cataloging my observations about shopping at Ikea. So enough lollagagging and let’s get to them:
My Observations About Ikea
1. Don’t go there on the weekend. Waaaaaaay too many people.
2. If you go on Saturday for desks anyway, for sure don’t go back on Sunday for the desk chair you should have gotten earlier. Nothing will be any different.
3. Once people get into Ikea, they are forced by the pheromones to walk no faster than .5 mph. The pheromones also cause everyone to stop suddenly in the pathways and mill around aimlessly.
4. White people, Asians, Indians and Hispanics love the Ikea. Didn’t see one black person in the 1000s of people there this weekend.
5. Whatever you come in for, be prepared to buy three completely different and unrelated things.
6. Whatever you purchase, you will not assemble it right the first time. If you have a PhD in Rocket Science, you will not assemble it right the first tme. If you are mentally genetically enhanced with magical dragon powers, you still will not assemble it right the first time.
7. Whichever line you’ve watched before committing to will automatically become the slowest line of the 32.
8. No matter how full you are, you still be tempted by the 20 meatballs for $5 but will succumb to the $3 hot dogs, chips and coke special. Uless you have the will power of a Titan like me and then you only get the hot dog and coke.
9. No matter how you fold, rip or shred the cartons, all your neighbors will know you’ve been to Ikea from the “Product of Sweden” logo on the surviving piece of cardboard and the lingering Ikea smell.
10. You’ll contine to be shocked by how much Ikea furniture you’ve accumulated despite your vow to buy only non laminated wood products. But you’ll be impressed with your new whisky sour decanter/fluffy bathroom throw rug/Swedish ginger snaps.
PS.. I like my new desk set up.